The Curious Case of Honey Nut Cheerios and Carmelo Anthony

honey nut“Call me Cheerios, the way I nut in these honeys”–a rap line from a friend many years ago.

Last night, during the contentious basketball game between Kevin Garnett and Carmelo Anthony, KG apparently said to Melo that LaLa, Carmelo’s wife, “tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios.”

Wait, what?!

Aside from being oh so thought-provoking (what does that even mean?), the comment was easily one of the most disrespectful ways to imply sexual infidelity with the utterance of a cereal, beloved by many and recommended by doctors.

KG forced Melo’s hand. There was nothing for Carmelo to do but react. If he did not react, then he would be deemed soft and dishonorable for being cuckold’d (real word, look it up). Thus, he reacted. He and KG both received technical fouls as they continued to jaw and taunt each other during the fourth quarter.

Yet, that was not enough for Melo. Nope. Not even close.

After the game, after the cold showers have been taken and fresh clothes adorned, Melo waits for Garnett outside of the Boston team bus. Yes, you read that right. Melo, wearing a burgundy beanie and clothes that I probably cannot pronounce nor afford (*patiently waits for that tax return money*), waited to “talk” with KG.

Camelo, as a man I understand how your mind must have been confused after Garnett’s comment. It was probably completing awash with hatred if Honey Nut Cheerios was your favorite cereal (sidenote: you must denounce all love and affection for Honey Nut Cheerios…It’s so necessary). As a veteren disser, I’ve spent countless hours going back and forth with friends and enemies alike alluding to outrageous claims and never once heard, “[insert name] tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios.” So, I get it. You wanted clarification about KG’s comment (what does that even mean?). But as a potential NBA MVP candidate, leading your team beyond many’s expectations, this faux bravado misfits and, more importantly, is despicably unbecoming. Let me be clear, the incident is down right ugly. And it is even uglier because you play in the media capital of the world, where every mole hill is made to be Mount Everest.

Solution: Throw out all Honey Nut Cheerios from your house. Never eat it again…like ever. Your child should never from this day forward know the sweet joy what it tastes like. And make sure that KG has never liked one of LaLa’s pictures on Instagram because we all know that those likes are really heart-shaped thirst torpedos, begging for attention. And remember, you must turn down any endorsement deals from Honey Nut Cheerios. In fact, just leave the cereal money pile alone.

Looks like Garnett already had it anyway.

KG

 

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