If s/he hasn’t, then they do not love you. Fact!
Love seemingly creates a chemical imbalance in brains, removing logic and stifling senses (i.e. love blinds you from looks to personality
disorders). Trust me, I’m a fake doctor. As a result, your partner can think, plan, and execute amazing dates and surprises. Similarly, your partner has thought and planned about killing you; the only thing that stops them from executing said plan is the fear of getting caught, t he fear of jail the fear of living without you.
Reasons why your partner wants to kill you:
- You annoy them. No, seriously, you do. From nagging them to your stubbornness, there exists a quality/characteristic (i.e. scratching one’s throat, leaving one’s socks all over the house/apartment, etc.) that drives your partner insane that they may or may not mention to you. After a while, the ‘insane’ compounds (sidenote: every person enters the relationship with a pre-insane level and your actions may rapidly accelerate those levels; be wary). Hence, why s/he has thought about ways to remove all evidence from the crime scene (random: if they watch CSI with a notepad, be wary).
- If you ever cheated, then you and the side person must die. Also, an undeniable fact. The rage they would feel when they find out will lead to irrational, rash actions that could only be explained by temporary insanity. Do you notice the common thread of insanity?
How to prevent your partner from wanting to killing you:
- Support their hobby. She has a flag football game, go and support her from the sidelines (only if she can tolerate you being in her sacred space). He’s reading at the local poetry event, be there and cheer the loudest, even if his poem is not that good (once again, only if he can tolerate you in his sacred space). The caveat is that your partner may need time away from you and your presence at their designated “me time” could jeopardize that special time they have reserved mentally for themselves. Hence, you have to ask if it is ok to attend the event. Even if they say no, asking about their hobby will earn your brownie points.
- If your partner does not have a hobby, help them find one; if it means simply taking a walk around the neighborhood after work, your partner needs something to do other than look at your face after a hard day at work. Additionally, if you have a hobby then you will give them the incentive to get one. Also, while you are off participating in your “me time,” you have created a period of “them time” with your absence, which may be enough to keep their ‘insane’ level low.
- Hang out with your friends and let them hang out with their friends, freely. Each of you need time to be with friends (translation: time away from each other) for your sanity. The time away from each will actually enrich the time that you spend together. Trust me, I’m a fake relationship advisor.
- Let them win an argument once in a while. It reduces the tension, which in turn reduces the build up of ‘insane.’ You must do all you can to keep those ‘insane’ levels low and manageable, and nothing achieves that faster than
you-know-what-red-wine-does-to-my-sexual-appetite kind of sexletting them win an argument.
While I write this blog primarily in jest, please note that domestic violence is not funny.