Updates on Cuffing Season

The summer months are burning away quickly; it’s already the second half of July (note: there are thirteen days until my ‘Golden’ birthday…turning twenty-nine on the 29th = Golden. No worries about gifts because there will be a wishlist post soon).

By this time, everyone, in order to meet a potential boo thang, should have attended at least one of the following: a BBQ, a rooftop party, a day party, a party in the park, a pool party, a beach party, a lounge party, a mixer, a (free, outdoor) concert, a museum, a movie in the park, a summer outdoor basketball game, or a festival/street fair. If you’re really “’bout that summer life,” then you would have checked off multiple events, if not all. And yes, a BBQ, day party in the park counts for all three. On the other hand, if you haven’t attended at least one, then, more than likely, the only play you’re getting this summer is from your air conditioner or fan. No judgement from me either way.

With all this activity, coupled with the warm weather, one should have had or attempted a summer fling or two or three or however many you’ve had. Or if you were smart, you would have listened to my semi-wise words (note: let me remind you of thisthat and this) and been cuffed up this whole season. Regardless of your life choices, the following cuffing updates will ensure that you handle the reminder of these warm months the best way you see fit…either cuffing or flinging or neither.

  1. Crunch Time Thirst-This latter half of the summer is effectively known as “The Fourth Quarter.” Since everyone is trying to…umm…score at least once, the thirst will be at an all time high, orange level thirst with growing embers of red. Guys and gals that you have not spoken to in forever will send you random “Hey” or “Wassup?” text messages. If their thirst resides more in the red level, they will exhibit their thirstier condition via Facebook messages or thirstier still, Facebook chat. Similarly, that random person you gave your number to back in March, when the weather was first warming up, will send you the extremely thirsty “Hey Stranger” text. This text reeks of thirst because they are employing reverse psychology on your memory; they hope that your many intoxicated, fun-filled summer nights have caused you to have only a vague recollection, if any, of who they are and how they got your number, so that you inquisitively answer the text. Once you do respond, you will be instantly inundated with gallons upon gallons of thirst. Beware, if that’s not what you’re looking for. If you are, enjoy!
  2. The Overachiever-This type A, rigidly organized person has already looked forward to the official Cuffing season (’11 edition) and wants to skip past the July and August flings and the preseason workouts in September. Instead, this person wants to display their mid-season cuddling form right now, even though the days are longer, and nights are warmer. This person will cause you to increase your data plan in order to handle the barrage of texts, calls and sext pics; they are employing relationship edition thirst (yes, one can be thirsty, even in a relationship). This option is cool for most, and uncool for others. If you want to be cuffed up from now until next February, this person is your best bet. If not, beware.
  3. Summertime Scavengers-Those folk, both men and women, hang around well after the party or event has ended, preying. Yes, we all know about the club let out, but after a while people start to head home to their respective flings or air conditioners. Those who stay behind, on the other hand, are plotting, hoping to satisfy both of their dire physical needs: need for sex and need for air conditioning. You can easily spot them because they stay on their cell phones, though they are not making any moves…yet. Within the last thirty minutes, they have sent out countless text messages to any available body in their phone directory, praying for one to respond to their thirst-filled, “Wyd?” or “You up?” text. When no response is garnered, they then set their eyes to the other scavengers lurking after the party. If you want, hang around after a party and you can easily fling that night. If that’s not want you want, leave the party expeditiously.

And remember Biggie said it best: “Follow these [updates] you’ll have mad [flings] to [fling] up.

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