Sorry for the extended hiatus once again. After some needed vacation time with my son, I’m back!
At about 7:30pm last night, I rushed into my brother’s room and quickly found an empty slot in his surge protector, in order to plug up and charge my laptop. He was casually watching “The Cleveland Show.” As the older brother, I demanded that he immediately turn the channel to BET. “For what?” he spat in return. Valid question because I cannot remember the last time I watched that channel. “The Awards show is coming on tonight?” I responded. As the cable box responded to the buttons pushed on the remote channel and the screen changed, he added, “You’re really going to watch that?” “Yep and I’m going to tweet about it.” (Plug: Follow me @dashxtrouble) He shook his head disapprovingly. He didn’t realize the joy of watching an event, with high levels of potential ratchetness (Note: I know it is not a word, but work with me. Thanks), while tweeting about it with a few million people simultaneously; the slander is often immaculate and the witty, instant commentary results in more than a few laughs.
some many thoughts (in no particular order):
- Willow Smith, the former “I-whip-my-hair-back-and-forth” (hair) advocate and singer, premieres her new song, “I am me.” I love the message, but seems extremely mature for an 11 year old…heck, when I was her age I wanted validation from others, mainly my mother, family, teachers, and friends. Live your life, Willow, and more power to you for it!
- Tyrese, Ginuwine, and Tank announce the (re)formation of TGT. I know no one cares but it happened and this is a recap so I felt obligated to say something
- After that moment in which Big Tigger, the host, seemed more excited about the group than the group members, my brother turned back to “The Cleveland Show” so I missed the last few minutes of the pre-awards
- Black love: Jay Z and Bey were playful with each other when they were both up for the same award. It seems like they really enjoy each others company. That’s what I’m looking for? *Da Brat voice*
- Melanie Fiona: Had one of the best performances of the night, but more importantly won my heart as she rapped along with some ratchet, hood booger track. My knees literally went weak...SWV moment
- D’Angelo: Had a great “comeback performance.” My mother couldn’t stop enthusiastically raving about him all night. You would have thought she looked at his ubersexual video again or something. Sidenote: every woman on my timeline was clamoring all night for his performance (Yep that video was released in 2000, right around the sexual awakening of many of women my age…y’all ain’t slick) and there was Twitter silence while he was performing.
- Samuel L. Jackson (and Spike Lee): Samuel L. Jackson did a great job hosting, adding current hip hop phrases like “Cashing out” and “Ridin’ around and gettin’ it” at awkward moments the way most older people naturally do. Oh, and the opening rap skit with Spike Lee…price…something…haha. I couldn’t stop laughing at how skinny his legs are…actually his entire outfit was terrible. Peep the hat, tho.
- Kevin Hart: He continues his assault on Hollywood, letting all other comedians know that he wears the crown as “Thee Funniest,” with skits throughout the show. He also announced that he has a new show coming out which, by the looks of it, will be funny.
- 2 Chainz: Trrruuuuuuuuuu. Performed twice within the first hour of the show. He was gettin’ it. Period.
- Lady Lumps: The amount of rotund fatties present at the show last night was unbelievable. I tweeted, “all these fatties out here are making it hard for the regular shaped/skinny women. #Fact.” BET even had the nerve to put Beyonce, Kim K, and Nicki in the same row. Within five seats sat three of the fattest and most famous owners of steatopygia. Here are my Top Five from last night: Nicki (whatever material she was wearing was…let’s just move on), Elle Varner (had no idea who she was before last night but trust I will find out), Brandy (not a typo, I promise; she surprised me with her little round donk!), Chaka Khan (yes, that Chaka…looked amazing and whatnot), Tarji Henson (yes, please. Thank you.)
- Beyonce’s Slit: It deserves its own mention. Talk about snapback! Damn!
- Maze featuring Frankie Beverly: The group won the Lifetime Achievement Award, and I could have sworn that my brother’s bedroom transformed into a backyard BBQ. I two stepped during the whole presentation…yes, even while they were sharing the group’s history. I was ready to bust out the electric slide, but realized I couldn’t dance and tweet at the same damn time.
- Chris Brown: This man looks like he is getting ready to double dutch with the entrance to “Nas Stay Losing” level; after “Bottlegate,” there were (false) rumors of being arrested before his performance for gun charges. Then he performed for a shorter time than it took me to write those sentences about him and his current losing streak.
- Maybach Music Group: Their reference track was louder than their microphones so the audience couldn’t hear anything they were saying/rapping. Fail of epic proportions. Additionally, their group album hasn’t received the best press since its recent release. Not a good luck for the boss, Rick Ross. *Ross grunt*
- Diamond, Brianna Perry, and Trina: Those were the other nominees in the “Nicki Minaj” category, which Nicki has won for the last three years (official name: Best Female Rapper…same difference).
- Similarly the other nominees in the “Yolanda Adams” category, which Yolanda has won since the show’s inception (Note: I’m made that up, but it sounds right). The official name of the category is Best Gospel Song.
- The Mute “Wo/Man”: This person had a difficult job because they were responsible for muting the show when the artists would curse. The difficulty of this job is like trying to slam a revolving door…not going to happen. Needless to say, there were times they missed and other times when they just held the button for an extended period time in fear of job security. Lose-lose situation.
- Drake, Lil Wayne, and Diddy: No, not because they formed a group DLD (clearly I made that up), but because they were no shows. Because of “Bottlegate” I would have paid to see Drake’s face during Chris Brown’s performance. I guess we’ll never know.
Similarly, I would have paid to see Lil Wayne’s face…actually I would not pay to see his face. And the borderline obnoxious promotion of Ciroc Vodka was missing from the show because Diddy was not in attendance. No worries, Tarij didn’t need any Ciroc because she was clearly on that dark (my guess: Henny) last night.
@Dart_Adams: Busta really does look like Jamaican Captain Black America… @Aqua174 Miguel is dressed like a Hunts Point hooker. @jozenc I wish I was a fly on the wall for the conk conversation Al Sharpton and Miguel are going to have.
- Anything that involved Jay Z; he was playful throughout the show from surprising Kanye to interrupting Mr. West with the signature and overplayed, “Excuse me, Kanye, I’mma let you continue, but…” The crowd erupted as if it was not the trillionth time we heard the joke; it somehow sounded fresh being uttered from the GOAT’s mouth. We are viewing the remarkable impact of Blue Ivy and Beyonce on Jay Z right in front of our eyes. Without a doubt, Jay Z is in a peaceful and happy place; I have never seen him smile this much in public. There was seemingly no distant walls up last night…except with the forearm shimmy directed towards Kim K.
- The end of Nicki’s acceptance speech: “Get your d$@#! up, n!!!@$.” Aside from amazingly pronouncing symbols, the comment was not needed.
- That joke about Lauryn Hill and taxes uttered by some random black boy bander. Too soon, young grass hopper.
- Anything involving Kim K:
Did I miss anything? Please share with me your favorite moments and such in the comment section. Oh and I did not discuss the Whitney Houston Tribute today because I will do it tomorrow.